Feeling overwhelmed by stress? You’re not alone! Life can throw us curveballs, but we’ve got some handy tricks up our sleeves to help you stay cool, calm, and collected. In this article, we’ll dish out practical strategies to tackle stress head-on, leaving you feeling healthier than ever.

1. 1. Try Harder

Funny enough, the easiest way to deal with stress is to simply not. Have you considered trying harder? That’s right! Pull those bootstraps up and get to work. 

HINT: You can ALWAYS stay up later!

Stress is all in your head anyway and couldn’t possibly present any physical ramifications, like say, a tumor. Good ol’ fashioned grit can get you through anything, even finals.

2. 2. Suck it up!

Funny enough, the easiest way to deal with stress is to simply not. Swallowing your emotions like horse pills might be just the thing you need to get you through the semester. All of your issues are most likely made up. Not addressing them sounds like a natural recourse. Don’t worry, it won’t manifest into a tumor.

3. 3. Drop Out?

Roughly 30% of Kent State students drop out of school without receiving their degree. Why can’t you be one of those people? Just give up and live with your parents for a while. Work your way up to some data-entry job. It’s not so bad, you’ll still be able to watch crime shows at night. Worried about your student loans? Simple: Don’t pay them!

HINT: Your cousin can probably get you a construction job

4. 4. Lighten the load!

Why should you be the only one feeling bad? Share some of those negative emotions with the people around you. Lash out. Take it out on your friends and family. Holding lifelong grudges and resentments against the people I love tends to be one of the things that always makes me feel a little better.

5. 5. Start smoking

Have you ever met a smoker that wasn’t happy? If you’re still reading this article, you probably don’t have enough vices. Get some. Marijuana is pretty popular these days. Have another joint. All your worries are as good as gone once you’re thinking on the level of a 6th grader.

HINT: If you’re having an extra bad day, try Rohypnol or Sodium Pentathol!

Try eating something. Maybe another snack will make everything feel okay for a fleeting instant. Eat something sweet. Eat something salty. Have some more weed so you’ll enjoy it more. Get creative. Develop sex addiction. Did you know that the human orgasm is the only time there’s no activity in the brain? Use it to your advantage!

HINT: Gambling is great for a quick hit of dopamine!

6. 6. Breath

In today’s fast-paced world, we don’t take enough time to slow down and appreciate the small things. There are many studies support the benefits of breathing exercises. Breathe in and breathe out. Give yourself some oxygen. Your mind and body will thank you.

7. 7. Why are you still reading?

Maybe this is why you’re so behind. You keep wasting time reading infantile comedy articles on the internet. I don’t even know you but I know you have something more important to do. Do better, you lazy asshole.